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ilmawende from remembers this:
I've been having recurring dreams about an ex-boyfriend from high school for 4 or 5 years (and I'm 11 years out of high school now). At first, they typically occurred every few months and the basic features were him chasing me and my being not entirely unwilling to be caught but still running. This would take place in various places--once in a parking lot, once in some sort of castle...the most vivid one involved the chase, and then I woke up (I thought, I was actually still asleep and I guess woke from one dream into another) and said "He's coming for me", and then I actually woke up.
Maybe a year or so ago, they changed a bit. Now they're several times a month, and throughout the dream and immediately upon waking up I am absolutely seized with an urgency to contact him somehow. Usually after I'm awake for a few minutes the urgency fades and I realize how crazy it is: I haven't talked to this guy since I was 17, he's in a different state entirely, and (giant issue here) I'm happily married. So what's the point of looking up and bothering an ex-boyfriend from a decade ago who likely doesn't even remember me anymore?
But that doesn't stop the dreams. The latest one (and this one is fairly representative of most of them), I keep trying to call his mother to talk to him but he's never there, and I keep calling his number but get his voicemail. I guess he's given me his number in the dream, so we must have met since high school, but I don't remember. Half the time in my dreams I'm still married, half the time I'm single, but it doesn't seem to make much of a difference either way--I don't think I'm trying for a hookup, I just am desperate to talk to him for some reason that's never entirely defined. I just want to see him and talk to him again, it seems, more than anything else I've ever wanted (within the dream). I've woken up crying and shaking and sweating before from the frustration of trying to find him.
I've also had dreams where I suppose somehow I finally got in touch with him and he was coming (but the dreams have never connected--I never reach him in those dreams, and I never have actually talked to him in the others), and I've woken up nearly nauseous from expectation. But I never actually see him, never actually talk to him. So there's this constant unfulfilled wanting that is probably the worst emotion in the dream and in waking from it.
Some background, I suppose--we dated twice, once when I was 15 and again when I was 16. They were never anything terribly serious, just typical high school silliness. He was my first kiss when I was 15, and it never went much further than that. He told me he loved me, and I don't think I loved him but I told him that I did (not that either of us knew at all what that meant in the slightest, really). The first time, I think I hurt him fairly badly by dumping him through a friend out of the blue (NOT proud of that). The second time, it was sort of a rebound for me after a bad break-up, and he was always so sweet to me and so fabulous looking that I thought we should give it another try. We broke up soon after--this was his senior year and he was going away to college in another state, and I think we got too close to something that was frowned upon in our church that we panicked and cut ties to end the temptation.
I never stopped thinking about him after that. I realized after college and some truly heinous relationships that I might have had trouble letting go of that because he never got his revenge on me for what I did to him. Later boyfriends got all sorts of revenge (deserved and otherwise) on me for things, but he never seemed to hold a grudge for my putting him through the wringer in an exceptionally callous manner (even if we were both teenagers, what I did was pretty dirty). So am I simply punishing myself because he never did? Or is there something more to any of this? I once wondered if this is his revenge--he told me once that he was addicted to me, and I wonder if I'm now addicted to him, or at least this manifestation of him?
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Responses from the Dreamers
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